Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dear Internet: I am an Idiot...yet again

Some days suck. There is no need to put it any other way. Of course, I always try and find the good in all of the days but you are still allowed to say: overall, that day sucked.

Today is one of those days. 
Even as I try type this, my beautiful boxer dog is behaving as an inquisitive toddler and won't let her snout be out of anything except for of course those things she is allowed to have. 

Some of you may have read my recent post about my aunt being in palliative care. Thank you all so much for your support. She is keeping on, her spirits seem bright and my mother has made sure she has about 14 different sets of pyjamas complete with matching bed socks. 

I think that is getting me down a bit today, but it's not the only thing. There is a bit of this stuff still lingering, and superficial though it may seem it is having an effect on me still. The daily stresses of uni and work seem to be piling on and today I was feeling like this:

Except my figure isn't early that good.
Picture Source

But I am not an idiot for feeling like that and I do not need to apologize, I know that much. 

My reasons for being an idiot are similar to the first time, except this time I have been taking my meds like an angel child. 

This doesn't really help if you're not taking the right meds

Last time I saw my neurologist, I got a script for a higher level dose of medication. Unwilling to up my medication yet, I was taking one of the higher dose once a day instead of my usual lower dose twice a day. 

It really sort of sucks when you mix up the bottles and start taking the low dose once a day...

Dear Internet: I told you I am an idiot. 

The effects of the lower meds are starting to show. I couldn't make it through uni today. The lack of function of my left side combined with my general feelings of crap, really meant today was not sunshine filled. 

Do you know the feeling of when it is like every step is wading through treacle? You don't need a physical disability to know how that feels. Combine that with a left leg acting like a bung shopping trolley wheel and a left arm that is twisted like a pretzel and it really is a pretty picture. I even have had moments of aphasia when I couldn't think of the English word for wash cloth but I could get the Afrikaans one out (shame nobody in the house spoke Afrikaans).

So, now it's time to reset. It's not an easy task. It's exhausting. I am already exhausted and I feel like the world doesn't understand there is only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week (does anyone else feel that way?) but we will get there.

It's okay to need to push reset. We do it with our electronics enough, and it is okay and necessary to do it with ourselves.

I am so grateful for everyone's support - near, far and cyber.

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  1. Just now reading this. Hope today is better :)

  2. Sorry you were having a bad day! I hope the situation has improved by now! I had a verry crappy and anxiety filled Saturday and I don't have medication issues to blame!