Friday, January 24, 2014

Dear Internet - I am an Idiot.

I think that the title of this post is potentially misleading. There are likely multiple reasons why I am an idiot, only I have never felt the need to confess them to the internet before.

Until now. At 12:40am, lying in my bed, I feel the need to confess:

Dear Internet, I did not take my meds last night. Or this morning.

To some people that might not seem like such a big deal.

You may think: "Don't even worry about it! We all make mistakes!"

But the problem is, when I miss my meds - it is the equivalent to someone on the pill missing one. This explanation tends to work with my friends as they instantly are filled with the horror of missing a pill, having a bit of bingo-bongo, and winding up with one of these things to mess up their weekends and the luxury known as sleep:

But potentially the even bigger problem was not the fact that I didn't take my meds...
I didn't take my meds on purpose.
I can see the judgement in your eyes now. I can also see the bewilderment.
Why didn't she take these tiny tablets that are easily swallowed, barely a bother, hardly have any side effects, and keep her life *generally* so much less miserable??

Yep. You got me there. I don't really have a good answer. But before you go shaking your head in disgust and close the browser, I do have some theories.

As someone who tries not to let hurdles in life get me down (don't we all strive to be that person?), and also someone who didn't fail high school - I probably should have realized earlier than now that my very newfound habits of staying up late doing nothing, not even having the will to brush my teeth, and going to toilet and then thinking "eh. washing hands.... important.... effort....." thus making do with the hand sanitizer next to my bed, were not normal for me. In fact, it's kind of pretty disgusting. And while on the subject of honesty: I'm drinking Pepsi Max - late at night, and not brushing my teeth. I am making such a good first impression on you, dear Internet.

I sat on my bed looking around my room, which is in a mild state of disorganization - more so than normal -  and realized.

Oh my gosh. I think I am a bit depressed.

But why, you ask, dear Internet?

I have a lot to appreciate in my life - and for the most part I feel I don't do a bad job of appreciating it. I have a great support network - family and friends, I have access to great medical care, I have all my basic needs met and then some, I walk and talk (most of the time) really well, and generally: my life is good.

But right now - I am angry.

I am angry because I spent the weekend in hospital. I am angry because I feel like the meds didn't work so why should I bother taking them?

I am angry at needing people to care for me, instead of appreciating how much they love me.

And as soon as I realize this, I know I need to take my meds. It's 4 hours after meds time, but it's within the 6 hour window. I can take them. And well the reality is, I don't remember the last time I took them. I cannot stop taking them because they didn't work one time or a few times - I have to take them for all the other times they DO work. The blinding pain in my head and the difficulty talking today should've been a reminder how much they help me on a daily basis.

So I have taken my meds. Swallowed down with Pepsi Max. I will brush my teeth in the morning. Just because I have quit being a fool, doesn't mean Rome was built in a day. The dentist will never know, unless the dentist is in fact Santa Claus.


A lot of parents strive for independence for their children - whether their child has special needs or not. It is a good thing, but sometimes I learn how dangerous I can be with my own independence.

Freedom can be dangerous. I am currently at a point, for the first time in my life, where people don't check in everyday that I've taken my meds. For my whole life, I would be handed my meds - and I would also have no say in the matter. I don't really have a say in the matter now, I don't really have control over it. People do still check in a lot. I need to take my meds. It is what it is - and it should not even be a big deal.

So, dear Internet. Now that I have quit being a self-destructive idiot, I will take my Scooby-Doo pillow pet and we will both see you in the morning.

My question to you is:

If you are a parent (of a child with or without special needs) do you dream of your child having independence? Do you have fears about it?

To all: what do you think the best things about independence are?


  1. I am a parent and I definitely dream that my son will be able to live independently some day. But I fear that he won't take his medicine-- because I am notorious for forgetting my own medications and mine are far less important (and life altering) than his.

    Glad you took yours and that you have a Scooby-Doo pillow pet because that's hilarious.

    PS: I got your email :)

    1. I am sure for the most part he will take his medicine. Maybe he will have his moments, the way I had mine. We all have our moments, after all. For the most part, I take my medicine. I take it either because a) my parents taught me well or b) my parents put the fear of God into me. I'm not quite sure which one it is. And also, I have learned no medicine = life far more miserable - mind-blowing, right?

      PS: Glad to hear it :)