Monday, April 21, 2014

Palliative Care is Beautiful and I Hate It

My aunt is dying. I have  written that sentence out many times before and I have even said it a few times, with a dull feeling of numb acceptance.

Sometimes I don't know why they have started a new treatment. The other day they started chemotherapy. Do they honestly think it will work? Really?

My aunt is dying.

 
Mum, Me, My Auntie - late 2012.
             

The room is beautiful. There is artwork on the wall and, short of a funeral, I have never seen so many flowers for a single person at one time. I signed to my mum, when my aunt was sleeping just now, "which ones do you like best?" But she replied "I don't know" because it doesn't really matter. They are all beautiful and I hate them all.

The room would've once been a 4 bed ward, back in the day. There is a large and not totally uncomfortable couch, two Regency chairs (think of special needs recliners), another recliner, other chairs - no shortage of space for visitors. My uncle stays here every night and the mattress, as far as I can see, doesn't look like your run of the mill back breaking hospital mattresses. It looks like it may actually fit him and his long legs.

An awkward family photo - my 19th birthday. (Uncle is taking the photo)
      


Nobody writes "get well soon" anymore. Nobody buys those sort of cards. They write that they are always thinking of her and they are sending all their love. Perhaps there are even people praying for her, I don't know.

I know she has had a good life, but it wasn't meant to be like this. Nobody knows what the future holds, but I can assure you this isn't good. She will not attend her son's or nephew's or niece's weddings. I doubt she will see her son or myself reach 21, my birthday is in 5 months time.  Our dogs will both out live her. Her elderly parents will likely outlive her. No grandchildren.

And I simply hate it.

She is so much more than my aunt. She shared the place of mother along with my own mother and maternal grandmother. I could not figure out why I was not one for the general Mothers Day dedications on Facebook, until I realized it didn't feel right until I included all three women. They are all significant in raising me.

We do selfies and gosh don't they look good! This is the photo I use for my Mother's Day dedications. It was taken on Christmas Day, 2011. My Aunt, Mum, Me, and my Grandmama.


My aunt is dying.

Palliative care is beautiful and somewhat serene. But no matter how many flowers or presents people send, no matter how large and comfortable the room and no matter how many prayers are said: my aunt is dying.

And I hate it.

10 comments:

  1. You made a comment on my last blog post and I had to return the favor. I am now following you as well. I think it will be incredibly interesting to read more from you. As for your aunt, my condolences. I am sure watching her die is very emotionally draining. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for the condolences Julie. I am looking forward to reading more from you and us getting to know each other more!!

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  2. Cherish the time..... I will one day tell you the story of quick and not. Warm hugs

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    1. I am so grateful for your support during this time, Sharon. Thank you xx

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  3. Hi! It's Emily from Words I Wheel By...do I even need to specify that? Probably not. But anyway, I just wanted to let you know I read this post earlier and it sat with me all day. The paradox of the end of life is profound.

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    1. Hi Emily... I am always glad to hear from you and to know I have friends all over the world. Thanks for reading.

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  4. I am so saddened to hear of your pain and inevitable loss. I have no words. Just know that you were heard. (Visiting from LoveThatMax!)

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    1. Thanks for visiting Kerith and thank you so much hearing me. It means a lot.

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  5. I'm so very sorry for you, your aunt and everyone who will miss her. I went through this with my dad a few years ago. It's sad and there's just no way around that. Please know that I care.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness, Sylvia. It means a lot.

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